Marissa K Stubbs

Most of us instinctively avoid discomfort, assuming it means something is wrong. But not every difficult feeling is a red flag. Stress before an exam, fear when starting something new, or frustration while learning a skill are all typical human experiences. These emotions don’t need to be pathologized — sometimes they simply signal that we are stretching, adapting, or growing.

Why We Avoid Discomfort

Discomfort triggers our body’s alarm system. We feel tension, unease, maybe even fear. It’s natural to want to escape or shut down. And sometimes, this instinct is protective - keeping us safe from harm. But other times, it stops us from pursuing opportunities that could help us grow.

Culturally, many of us are also taught that we should avoid struggle and strive for constant happiness. This can make normal emotions, like fear before a big presentation or frustration while learning something new, feel like personal failings rather than natural experiences. The key is not to avoid discomfort altogether, but to discern whether it signals harm or growth.

Healthy vs. Harmful Discomfort

Harmful Discomfort happens when we’re in unsafe, toxic, or boundary-violating situations. It drains us and leaves lasting harm. Examples: staying in an abusive relationship, working in a hostile environment, or pushing through physical pain that signals injury.
Healthy Discomfort is the stretch we feel when we’re stepping outside of our comfort zone but still within our values. It’s challenging, but it helps us expand. Examples: feeling stressed during college transitions, giving an honest presentation, setting a new boundary, starting therapy, or trying something for the first time.

By ordering experiences from everyday stressors to more significant challenges, it becomes clearer how discomfort can exist on a spectrum, and why context matters.

How to Tell the Difference

Check Your Body’s Signals
Fear and excitement feel similar — a racing heart, butterflies, sweaty palms. Ask yourself: Am I unsafe, or just stretched?
Look at the Long-Term Impact
Harmful discomfort leaves you depleted, anxious, or shut down. Healthy discomfort may leave you tired in the moment but often brings pride, relief, or growth afterward.
Clarify Your Values
If the discomfort moves you closer to who you want to be and what you value, it may be worth leaning into. If it pulls you away from yourself, it may be harmful.
Seek Support When Unsure
Sometimes the line is blurry. Talking it through with a trusted friend, mentor, or therapist can help you sort it out.

Building Discomfort Tolerance

Like any skill, learning to tolerate discomfort takes practice. You can start small:

Try saying “no” once this week when you’d normally overextend yourself.
Sit with an uncomfortable feeling for 5 minutes before reacting.
Take a step toward something new, even if it feels awkward.

Each time you face healthy discomfort, you expand your capacity for growth and begin to rewire your brain to see these experiences as normal parts of life rather than threats. Remember: stress, fear, and frustration don’t always mean something is wrong - they can mean you’re in the process of adapting and growing.

Final Thoughts

Not all discomfort is bad, and not all stress or overwhelm needs to be pathologized. The real skill is learning to tell the difference: discomfort that signals harm should be respected as a boundary, while discomfort that signals growth can be embraced as part of resilience-building. By discerning between the two, you protect yourself from harm while leaning into the moments that build courage, confidence, and strength.

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